The decision was made Thursday evening, March 14th, 2013, to call the kids because healthcare professionals didn’t think my mom would live too much longer. I awoke Friday morning in France and saw the text from my dad. I had about an hour to get ready and then a 45-minute drive to the train station in Grenoble to catch a train to Paris. On the three-hour train ride, I was able to talk to Dad and told him to tell Mom that I loved her. The only thing I wanted was to be able to see here one more time…to say ‘’I love you.’’
Friday evening after landing I was able to talk with her for a few minutes, hold her hand and give her a kiss, before she fell asleep again. Very early that Saturday morning after not being able to sleep that much, I walked over to the hospital to relieve my dad so that he could get a few hours of sleep in a bed. When I entered her room around 5 a.m. my mom was wide awake and looked like a completely different person from the night before. We spent about three hours together eating breakfast and talking. I was having a difficult time accepting that she would not be around to be Grandma Kia to my kids. I asked her if she had one thing to tell me what would it be. She told me that morning, ‘’Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Nothing is worth holding on to.’’
My immediate thought was of a few ladies that broke my heart. But I didn’t realize at the time that she was referring to someone else. Over the past two and a half years, quietly in the recesses of my heart, I was blaming God for the death of my mom. This quiet accusation grew ever so slightly that I became blind to the subtle divergent between God and I.
I was driving one day a few months ago and without any warning the realization came to me…
God, I forgive you.
It sounds silly and quickly after I had to ask God to forgive me for not forgiving Him.
I believe there are many folks who are holding something against God, the death of a loved one, a certain life situation. Our finite minds judge God’s infinite mind and blame Him for everything that has gone wrong or caused us pain in our lives.
We need to trust in God’s sovereignty and His plan for our lives. If I were to tell you one thing today, it would be…
Forgive. Forgive. Forgive.